Are You a Real Business or Just Good at Photoshop? The Bank Needs Proof
So you’ve taken the plunge. After a wild night of caffeine, existential dread and six half baked LLC names, you’ve emerged with a mission OPEN A BUSINESS ACCOUNT. Congratulations, you’re almost legit! Except for one minor hiccup your bank requires a business plan. Not your mood board not your “manifestation doc” an actual, breathing, non ironic business plan.
And you’re sitting there, Starbucks in hand, thinking: Why? Do these people just want an extra document to lose in the “fax machine” (still a thing, apparently)? Do they get paid per page of nonsense they make you submit? Or is this just another trial to see if your entrepreneurial spirit can survive bureaucracy?
“Risk Management” A.K.A. The Bank’s Not So Secret Obsession with Your Receipts
Let’s get savage: Banks are allergic to risk. And no offense, but you the dreamer with zero revenue and 12 TikTok followers look as risky as investing in Beanie Babies in 2025.
What the bank’s actually thinking:
- Will this business make real money, or is it code for “my Venmo side hustle, but with paperwork”?
- Are you planning to run a bakery, or just launder lemonade stand cash?
- Can you actually describe your “operations” without using the phrase “vibe curation”?
The business plan is their favorite way to sniff out risk, spot true hustlers, and keep their “fraudulent account” tally low. They’re not here to judge your Dreams Journal but they WILL judge your lack of bullet points.
Side note: Nothing says “reliable” like a business plan that’s not just four pages of “plan to go viral.”
“Paper Trails and Panic Attacks” Compliance Is a Lifestyle
2025 Checkpoint: Banks now have compliance officers whose full time job is reading your business plan and analyzing every typo as a sign of future bankruptcy. Government rules (and very real anti money laundering laws) mean banks need details:
- What do you actually SELL?
- Where did your initial money come from (and don’t say “Manifestation Monday”)?
- Are you planning to hire employees, or is your cat the unpaid intern?
If your business plan includes words like “import,” “crypto” or “consulting” without context, a compliance officer somewhere starts sweating. The better your plan the less you get audited by someone named Linda who drinks exclusively room temperature water.
You think you hate filling out forms? Imagine the guy who has to review your 17th LLC written in Comic Sans.
“Show Us The Money” The Loan and Funding Approval Vibe Check
Let’s say you want that account for more than pocket change you need a line of credit a real loan, maybe an actual business credit card (with points you’ll never figure out how to redeem). Here’s the twist: Banks don’t just want to see your business plan, they want it to make sense.
- They want to know how you’ll move cash (besides sending yourself $5.27 from two smartphones).
- They expect a section on revenue projections. Will you make $1 in 2025 or is your goal to sell out like the Stanley cup craze?
- They want to see you’ve “thought of the future” (even if your future is mostly “sleep, coffee, pray it all works”).
Business plan “We might actually lend you money one day not just a free pen and a logo mug.”
Pro tip: Writing profit? on your business plan will net you zero dollars and a permanent eye twitch from the loan officer.
“We Don’t Believe You Have a Real Business Until You’ve Cried at Least Once”
Look, your business plan isn’t just an ego test. It’s the bank’s way of trusting you’re not opening “Totally Real Consulting LLC” just to buy snacks wholesale at Costco. The National Bank of Judgment wants the tea: Who are your suppliers? Do you have clients? Is your business more than a four day fever dream?
The checklist for “realness” includes:
- A written business plan (think less TikTok more Google Docs)
- Evidence you can spell “profit and loss”
- Proof this isn’t just an elaborate scheme to launder dogecoin
TLDR (but Funnier): The Bank Says “Plan or Perish” (Not Really But Close)
So, why do banks ask for a business plan when opening a business account? Because they’re literal fun suckers, yes but also because it’s how they make sure you’re serious, legal, and not the next headline on a True Crime podcast.
If you made it this far wow. Either you’re procrastinating or genuinely opening an account soon. Make your business plan the star of the show just try not to spill cold brew on it before the bank can say “under review.”
(P.S.: If you STILL think you can just stroll in and vibe your way into a bank account send me your LinkedIn. I’d like to subscribe to your confidence.)
(End screen: Owl eyed banker slides your business plan back across the desk with “Congrats! You’re marginally less risky than that guy last week who pitched TikTok famous birdhouses. Take a mint on your way out.”)