You’ve seen the term “business plan” tossed around more than the phrase “Let’s circle back” at a company meeting. Maybe you Googled it at 3 AM, sandwiched between tutorials on how to appear confident on Zoom and lists of quick dinners you’ll never make. Good news: you’re not alone in your confusion. Great news: this beginner’s guide will absolutely not turn you into an entrepreneur, but it might give you the sarcasm-fueled push to at least fake it till you make it (or just until your next coffee break).
So buckle up, future mogul, because we’re about to dissect the elusive business plan with all the seriousness of a BuzzFeed quiz (“What Type of Salad Are You?”).
What Is a Business Plan? Spoiler: It’s Not a Vision Board
First things first: What is a business plan? Think of it as a group project from college, but this time, you’re the only person who cares, and your grade is whether you’ll ever move out of your parents’ house.
Bold truth:
A business plan is just a glorified document where you pretend to foresee the future of your business—while quietly panicking and hoping no one notices you’re winging it.
Some people will tell you it’s “a roadmap for business success.” Fun fact: those people have never actually written one.
But seriously—what’s actually inside this magical document?
- Who you are (no, “entrepreneur” isn’t a personality)
- What you’re selling (be as vague as possible, if you want zero investors)
- Why this is a good idea (flimsy Pinterest inspiration encouraged)
- Where the money comes from (dad, VCs, or sheer delusion)
- Where you hope to take the business (somewhere with free Wi-Fi, preferably)
Reasons to Bother Writing a Business Plan (Besides Impressing LinkedIn)
Now you’re probably wondering, “Why subject myself to this document-shaped torture?” Oh, honey, the list is almost as fun as “reasons to upgrade to premium on Spotify.”
- To convince banks or investors you’re a Very Serious Adult
- To organize your own chaotic brain (it’s okay, we’re all chaos entities here)
- So you can point to something “official” during family holidays
- Because Google told you it’s the ‘first step to entrepreneurship’ (which, technically… is true, right after procrastination)
If your business plan includes more memes than charts… congratulations, you’re a true visionary.
Let’s not sugarcoat this: some businesses get funded on vibes, others on bulletproof plans. Guess which one you are.
A Peek Inside: What Does a Real Business Plan Look Like? (Spoiler: Less Fun Than TikTok)
You might imagine a business plan is a minimalist aesthetic PDF—wrong. It’s typically a Frankenstein’s monster of:
- An executive summary (aka, TL;DR for anyone who’ll fund you)
- Company description (imaginative backstory, at least three coffee references required)
- Market analysis (numbers, possibly fabricated, and competitive shade-throwing)
- Organization and management (fancy title time! Name yourself “Chief Vibes Officer”)
- Service/product line (what are you selling, really?)
- Marketing & sales strategies (the “we’ll definitely go viral” slides)
- Funding requests (slide in, try not to sound desperate)
- Financial projections (make those graphs one direction: UP, even if your soul says otherwise)
- Appendix (aka, the graveyard for everything else)
Pro tip: If your appendix is longer than your summary, just call it an “extended remix.”
Real Talk: Do People Even Read These Things? (And Other Existential Crises)
Let’s be honest: the only word more ignored than “unsubscribe” is “business plan.” Most investors, managers, or prospective partners will skim the summary, scan for an Excel chart, and then pretend their wifi cut out.
Don’t believe me? Here’s a list of people who have actually read a business plan cover-to-cover:
- Your “Future You,” under extreme stress
- Maybe three retired VCs with too much time
- That one HR intern looking for typos
Does that make it a waste of time? Not exactly. Even if nobody reads the whole thing, you’ll need to:
- Have a document to email when someone asks for it (and you can reply from Starbucks to look legit)
- Trick yourself into thinking you know what you’re doing
- Collect old drafts to show on TikTok under “The Glow Up Files,” Episode 1
Bottom line: a business plan’s about you convincing others AND yourself there’s a plan buried under all that coffee and optimism.
But Wait, Do I Need an MBA for This? (Spoiler: No, But You’ll Wish for One After Page 5)
You can absolutely write your first business plan with:
- a laptop (covered in donut glaze)
- three empty cold brew cups
- and a playlist labeled “Productivity Anthems,” mostly 2000s throwbacks
Here’s what you don’t need:
- Perfect grammar (just autocorrect “synergy” to “energy” if you’re feeling rebellious)
- Math skills beyond “make the numbers bigger every year”
- Years of experience (You played Lemonade Stand as a kid. That counts.)
Will you cringe at your first draft in six months? Almost definitely. Will you survive? Absolutely, as long as you remember why you’re doing this in the first place: to get one step closer to making your LinkedIn profile as extra as possible.
Final Thoughts: Congratulations on Finishing What 87% of Entrepreneurs Never Started
You read all this? Are you okay? Should I call someone? Seriously, pat yourself on the back (if your arm isn’t already sore from all the frantic typing).
You now know what a business plan is: a document no one wants to write, everyone pretends to read, but all aspiring “boss babes” and “startup bros” need anyway. Use it wisely, update it never, and tell your friends you’re “working on your plan” next time you bail on brunch. Go get that business plan money—just remember to put the “plan” in “panic.”