It’s 2 AM. You’re clutching a lukewarm coffee, scrolling through Reddit for the fifth time, and thinking, “Maybe I should turn my world-changing app idea into a real business. But, ugh… writing a business plan sounds like a root canal performed by a raccoon.” Awesome! You’ve found the guide that will walk you, step by existential crisis step, through the coal mine of ‘adulting’ known as business plan writing. There will be bullet points. There will be brutal honesty. There will be snark. And, hey, if you survive, maybe you’ll finally have an answer at Thanksgiving when Aunt Carol asks what you’re doing with your life.
Step 1: The Executive Summary — Because Investors Are Basically Goldfish
Let’s address the obvious. The Executive Summary is the first thing in your business plan but always the last thing you write. Because life is just one big, beautiful paradox.
What is the executive summary? Think of it as the drunken elevator pitch you’ll have to give, except sober and with fewer Spice Girls references.
What goes in here:
- What’s your business? (If you say “Uber but for kale,” congrats, you’re already an entrepreneur.)
- What problem are you solving? (Besides capitalism’s relentless void.)
- Why will the world care? Or at least pretend to.
- Your vision, which doesn’t have to include world peace, but bonus points if it does.
- A hint of numbers. Not, like, actual math—just enough to convince people you didn’t make them up while falling asleep on your calculator.
Remember: Investors read this and then decide if they’re “busy” for the rest of the decade.
Step 2: Market Research — AKA, Stalking Your Competition Legally
Now, let’s talk market research—or as some call it, “finding out your idea was already stolen on TikTok.”
Here’s what you need for this section:
- Who wants your thing? (Besides your mom. She loves everything you do.)
- Who are your competitors? (Social media? Netflix? That dude from high school who somehow now sells the same product? Yeah, him.)
- Is there legit demand, or did you, like, dream this after too much Taco Bell?
- List some stats: Young people love graphs. Investors pretend to. Pie charts are the business plan’s cat meme.
Bullet points will save your sanity. Here are three you’ll probably use:
- “The artisan pickle market is projected to be worth $800 million by 2027.”
- “77% of Gen Z say they ‘might try’ my app after seeing it on a shiny Instagram ad.”
- “Only 41% of my friends told me it wouldn’t work, which is basically a win.”
Hot tip: Searching your idea on Google counts as market research. Wear a lab coat to feel smarter about it.
Step 3: The Operations Plan, or ‘How Not To Panic When Things Go Wrong’
So, you’ve conned—ahem, convinced—people there’s an opportunity. Now, how the heck are you going to operate?
Spoiler: It’s not by sheer willpower and a Pinterest mood board.
You need to sound like a person who knows what “logistics” means (fake it till you make it):
- Who’s doing what? Yes, you’re CEO, CMO, CFO, lead barista, and “guy who mops the floor,” but try to sound…bigger.
- Where does your product get made? “Garage” is a fine answer for Apple. How about you?
- How will you deliver your earth-shattering value? Everyone says “seamless,” but your plan can totally have seams.
- Backup plans for when Karen in shipping rage-quits on launch day.
Fun fact: This section is also known as “Reasons We’re Not Already Out Of Business.”
Step 4: Marketing — Your Real Job Is Just Rebranding Your Anxiety
Here’s where you get to prove your business plan isn’t just a “Field of Dreams” scenario (If you build it… nobody will come, unless you run a Facebook ad).
Marketing Section Must-Haves:
- How will you make people care? Bribery? Memes? Soup in a jar?
- What platforms? Are you TikTok-first or strictly posting to LinkedIn so your mom’s book club can see?
- What’s your budget? (You could choose between Facebook ads… or groceries.)
- Your “brand voice”: Are you edgy? Wholesome? Just insufferably quirky?
Pro tip: “Going viral” is not a strategy… unless you’re literally pitching a hand sanitizer business, in which case, ew, read the room.
Don’t forget to throw in words like “engagement,” “synergy,” and “organic growth”—they’re the parsley garnish of your business plan: pointless but expected.
Step 5: The Financials, Baby! (Or: Unleash the Math Goblin)
Nothing says “adulthood” like pretending to enjoy cash flow spreadsheets.
But relax, nobody actually expects your projections to be accurate. Just remember: make the numbers go up each year, and you’ll make accountants happy.
Here’s your slideshow in sentence form:
- Startup costs: How much cash do you need, and why is it “more than you have”?
- Revenue projections: Straight lines up and to the right, please. No “depression dips” in YOUR business plan.
- Break-even analysis: At what point will you stop hemorrhaging money and start… hemorrhaging slightly less?
- Funding: How much are you asking for, and how little dignity are you willing to retain after Shark Tank?
*Note: The only people who will check your math are:
- That nerdy VC with a calculator watch
- Your mom, but just to see if you can finally move out
- The IRS, three years from now. Panic accordingly.*
Step 6: Appendix: AKA, “Stuff I Didn’t Know Where Else To Put”
You guessed it! The appendix is your dumping ground for everything that didn’t earn an invitation to the main event.
- Resumes!
- Legal stuff! (What’s an LLC? Nobody knows.)
- More charts to look fancy
- Anything Karen from Operations screamed at you to include at the last minute
Congratulations. You’ve learned that writing a business plan is 52% smoke, 41% mirrors, and 7% downloaded Canva templates.
So… Did You Actually Read All That?
If you made it this far, congratulations—you’re either about to write the most aggressively honest business plan ever, or you’ve got nothing better to do in between Starbucks runs and doomscrolling TikTok. Either way, you now wield the nuclear codes of small business delusion. Go forth with your business plan, and remember: if all else fails, there’s always LinkedIn posts about “the grind.” Godspeed, future mogul. Or at least, future person who can spell “executive summary” correctly.