We live in chaotic times—your side hustle is already “in its flop era,” the only thing rising faster than your rent is your iced coffee budget, and yet here you are, determined to woo investors. Yes, actual humans with checkbooks. Now, the internet says you “need a business plan for investors,” but nobody tells you just how much of an emotional rollercoaster this process will be. Spoiler: writing this thing is one part therapy session, two parts shouting at Excel, and three parts performance art. Grab your fifth coffee (and maybe a tiny bit of hope), and let’s prepare the most un-ignorable business plan investors have ever hate-read.
The Executive Summary: TL;DR for People with Yacht Schedules
Let’s get something straight: No investor reads your business plan. Okay, maybe they’ll speed-skim the executive summary—usually while multitasking (or doomscrolling LinkedIn, let’s be honest).
- Bold truth: If you can’t explain your entire multi-million-dollar vision in one hot minute, your investor will mentally log off.
- Add only what matters:
- What are you doing (in 2025, that’s NOT an NFT dog-walking app, right?)
- Why should anyone care (besides your mom)?
- How will you make money (not “manifesting” it)?
- What do you want from the investor (besides validation of your life choices)?
Your summary should read like a TikTok caption, not a Jane Austen novel. Spark curiosity. With luck, they’ll make it to page two.
Side note: If your summary is longer than your will to live, you’re doing too much.
Market Analysis: Stalking Your Competition with Style (and Statistically Backed Lies)
Here’s the fun (?) part: building the illusion that you have receipts, not just “vibes.”
- Outsource your anxiety: Google your competition so hard you accidentally start rooting for them.
- What investors want:
- Is there actually a market, or are you pitching another juicer in a world already juice-saturated?
- Who wants your stuff—“everyone” is not the answer, unless you sell oxygen canisters in LA.
- Is the market as big as your ambitions or as small as your patience for small talk?
Pepper in charts, but make ‘em so bright your pitch deck looks like a middle school science fair. Investors want numbers: trends, growth rates, maybe a bar graph that isn’t just wishful thinking.
Fact: The more times you say “disruptive,” the less investors listen. Say “scalable” instead—nobody’s sure what that means anyway.
Your Business Model: Because “Just Trust Me” Isn’t a Revenue Strategy
Let’s keep it honest: investors don’t back dreams—they back “how you actually get paid.” (Wild, right?)
Key details for your Business Plan:
- How will money enter your bank account? (If your plan relies on “going viral,” go reboot your Wi-Fi and start again.)
- What’s your pricing? (Not “high enough I can retire next week.”)
- How is your cash flow less sketchy than the last five start-ups they ghosted?
Break down:
- Subscription? One-time sales? “Freemium” features only your mom will ever unlock?
- Will you ever be profitable, or are you the next Uber—destined for eternal, VC-funded loss-spirals?
- Bonus: Show off your “unique” approach, even if it’s just selling the same thing with a trendier font.
Pro tip: Don’t say “affordable luxury.” That’s just code for “we don’t know our audience but want to sound fancy.”
Meet the Team: A.K.A. Look, Ma, We Hired Humans
Investors love a squad with enough “experience” to justify their money and enough chaos to feel relatable. Here’s your checklist:
- Brag about your co-founder’s three LinkedIn badges.
- List everyone’s “CEO” or “Chief Vibe Officer” roles—just skip admitting you all share one Gmail account.
- Advisors matter. Even a college professor you bribed with donuts counts.
Short team bios (with a heavy filter of overconfidence) are required. If your entire workforce is “remote contractors from Fiverr,” just say you’re “global-first.” Spin that story!
Investors care less about Ivy League resumes and more about “Can this team actually do stuff?” (No, your TikTok follower count does not count as traction.)
Financials & The Grand Ask: Still Faking It, But With Spreadsheets
Time to make up numbers that sound real! (It’s basically the grown-up version of “If you could have any superpower…”)
Your Business Plan needs:
- Financial projections. Make the line go up. Sideways is death; down is a crime.
- “Use of funds”: Investors need to see you won’t spend everything on swag hoodies and beanbags.
- Break-even analysis: Best served with delusion and hope, side of well-designed bar chart.
- The ask: Don’t say “as much as possible.” Be specific. “$500K for 10% equity” sounds assertive, even if you made it up after watching one too many Shark Mark Cuban clips.
If your spreadsheet includes a “miscellaneous” line item as big as “marketing,” lose it or you’ll lose them.
Bullet points to pretend like you know what you’re doing:
- Projected profit by year three!
- “Conservative” estimates that are really just medium-sized dreams
- Backup plan in case of economic apocalypse (or the next TikTok adpocalypse)
The Appendix: Where Hope, Legalese, and Childhood Dreams Go to Die
Almost there! Dump all the stuff you don’t know where to put: resumes, legal docs, graphs you made at 2:00AM.
No investor reads the appendix, but if you forget it, they’ll notice. The universe is cruel that way.
Items guaranteed not to be read:
- Incorporation paperwork for your Delaware LLC
- Mockups designed by your cousin in Canva
- Copies of press releases from high school
Conclusion: Congratulations, You Now Know Why So Many Founders Just Ask Their Parents for Money
Did you finish? Are you okay? Give yourself a standing ovation (and maybe a shot of espresso) for making it through this guide. You now have everything you need to put together a business plan for investors that might get skimmed by an analyst during a slow Wi-Fi outage. Be bold, be brave, fake some confidence. And remember: no matter how serious you try to sound, your investor is definitely reading this from a pool floaty in Miami.
If you get funded, buy everyone coffee. And a therapist. You’ll need both.