Welcome to 2025 where business plans are still mandatory, no matter how many LinkedIn influencers insist “manifesting” is enough. If you’re reading this, congrats: your “next big idea” made it past the group chat. Maybe you’ve already ordered business cards that say “Founder” (classic), but now some painfully practical person (ahem: banker, “investor,” Mom) wants a “business plan.” You Googled, you groaned, and you found me—the last snarky hope of caffeine-fueled dreamers everywhere. Here’s precisely how to write a USA-format Business Plan that’s more organized than your sock drawer, less fake than your fridge’s motivational magnets, and just self-aware enough to survive 2025.
The Executive Summary: Your Big Idea in 60 Seconds or Less (Because No One Reads Past This)
Let’s dispense with the sugarcoating: nobody—absolutely nobody—wants to read your 30-page [Business Plan]. They want the executive summary, a one-page, “why you should care” hype piece. If you can’t explain why your TikTok-for-pets-platform will “redefine content consumption” in a Starbucks line, keep editing.
- What’s your business? Use fewer buzzwords per sentence than a LinkedIn Power User.
- Who cares? If Mom is your only “target demographic,” maybe rethink.
- What’s the grab? Are you solving the remote work crisis? Fixing food delivery? Making a dating app for introverts who hate people?
- Why now? “Because it’s 2025 and everyone’s bored” is not a strategy (but, TBH, relatable).
If you make it sound good enough, your would-be investor might even glance at bullet 2 before ghosting you.
Company Details: Pretend You’re on Shark Tank, Not Judge Judy
Here’s where you try to sound like an actual company and not a twenty-something with questionable Wi-Fi.
- Who are you? (If your leadership team is you, a dog, and your anxious roommate, be honest—just use fancier titles.)
- What do you actually do? No, you can’t just say “disrupt.” That’s so 2021.
- Structure: LLC, corporation, delusion with a website—pick something.
- Location: Your living room? Starbucks bathroom? Make it sound glamorous.
- Mission Statement: Bonus points if it’s vague AND inspiring. (e.g., “Empowering connection through seamless synergies”—just kidding, don’t.)
So, what’s your vibe: Silicon Valley hopeful or “Florida man with a spreadsheet”?
Market Analysis: Stalking, But For Competitors
You can’t have a Business Plan without pretending you know more about your competitors than they know about themselves. Welcome to the internet rabbit hole.
- Who needs this? (“Everyone” means you’re lying.)
- Competition: List the Big Dogs, then claim your Microbrew Clay Pot Delivery Service is “unique.”
- Trends: Toss in a few data points you found on Reddit (try to look credible).
- SWOT Analysis: Because even 2025 can’t kill a classic acronym.
Example thoughts to spice it up:
- “Gen Z says they want eco-friendly… everything? Perfect, my product is gluten-free and made of plants I water with cold brew.”
- “Main competitor: Amazon. Solution: Denial.”
Fun fact: If you stalk your competition for long enough, you’ll start rooting against their LinkedIn posts.
Product/Service Breakdown: Pitch It Like You Mean It
If you’re hoping investors will just “get” your idea, bless your heart. For everyone else:
- What is it, exactly? Your elevator pitch shouldn’t need its own elevator.
- Problem solved: If you have to imagine an apocalyptic scenario to prove the need, try again.
- What makes it special? “We’re like Uber, but—” no. Stop.
- Development: Show off your “MVP” (not LeBron, the Minimal Viable Product). Wireframes, not napkin doodles.
List the quirks:
- “Patent pending? LOL, at least the URL is available.”
- “Beta testers: my Twitch followers and Mom’s book club.”
Remember: If you think your idea is revolutionary, at least five Redditors will say otherwise.
The Plan for Money Magic: Marketing, Sales, and the All-Important Hustle
Look, if you build it, nobody cares—unless you relentlessly self-promote until your friends mute your stories.
- Marketing Strategy: TikTok? Instagram reels? Guerilla marketing with skywriting near Coachella?
- Sales Approach: Direct-to-consumer, influencer bribes, or “please just buy one for my sanity.”
- Money plans: Make “profit” look plausible, even if in your heart you know… LOL.
- Budget: Show that you know how much a Facebook ad costs (give or take).
Bullet points for believability:
- “Going viral is not a strategy. Neither is ‘praying.’”
- “Most sales projections are spreadsheets plus wishful thinking.”
- “No, you can’t pay your co-founder in exposure. Not anymore.”
Side note: Don’t call it a “side hustle” here, even if that’s the real deal.
Financials: The Part Where Your Soul Leaves Your Body
The Business Plan gods demand sacrifices in the form of budgets and financial projections. Look, Excel isn’t anyone’s friend, but you have to fake it.
- Startup costs: How broke are you, really?
- Funding request: Ask for as much as you can say out loud without laughing.
- Projections: Make each year’s numbers go up, because hope is free.
- ROI (Return On Insomnia): Will anyone get paid, or just you? (And “paid in vibes” does not count.)
Key point:
- No one expects these numbers to be true, they just don’t want to be the first one to call you on it.
If in doubt, just throw in three bar graphs and a lot of “TBD.”
The “No One Cares But You” Appendix
A glorious, chaotic graveyard of:
- Resumes no one asked for
- Diagrams you made at 2:00 AM
- That NDA your cousin signed
- The accidental selfie you pasted into financials
Will any human read this? No. Will they notice if something crucial is missing? Also no.
You survived! You’re now equipped to crank out a Business Plan for 2025—the kind of document that exists solely to be skimmed, shrugged at, and maybe, if you’re lucky, quietly admired by someone who once used PowerPoint unironically. Go forth, caffeinated dreamer. May your inbox ping with investor replies (even if they’re just out-of-office).
And if you actually finish your plan? Text your mom. She spent $200 at Office Depot on a printer for this moment.